Discussion:
Three Fifteen - up for slating....
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LiterArty
2008-02-18 07:39:01 UTC
Permalink
Thoughts / comments welcomed on the following. Begun last summer but,
as yet, unfinished.

Copyright protected 2007 Gary McArthur writing as Mark Arthur.


"Who is this?" asked Richard.
There was a brief pause. He could hear breathing.
"Your wife's here with us"
"Yes, you've said that already, but where's here, and who
are you?" responded Richard, increasingly agitated.
"You don't need to know that."
"Yes I do, tell me now!"
"Your wife's here with us." repeated the voice on the line.
"For Christ's sake, tell me who you are. What do you want?"
"You don't need to know that."
Richard clenched his fist tight around the receiver. The plastic
creaked under the pressure.
"Now listen here, you either tell..."
"No, Mr Moran, you listen to me. Your wife is here, she
is safe with us. She does not want you to be alarmed. You will not
see
her again."
"My wife..." a barely audible click indicated that the caller had
hung
up.


It was the third time this week that Richard Moran had been woken by
the
telephone in the early hours. It was always the same adult male
caller, always the same conversation, always the same ending. He
replaced the receiver quietly, switched off the bedside lamp and
turned to go back to sleep.


"Was it him again?" asked Barbara sleepily.
"Uh, huh" mumbled Richard.
"What did he say this time?"
"Same thing."
"Do you think we should call the police?"
"No point. It's just a crank. You're here aren't you?"
"Mmm! Did you check for the number?"
"It won't be stored, it never is."
"I'd check anyway, he might've forgotten to withhold it."
"I doubt it. Go back to sleep."
"I'll check it." said Barbara reaching over her husband for the
telephone,
trailing the wire across his face she tapped in the number retrieval
code.
"No, it's withheld." she said, disappointed. She returned the phone
to
the
nightstand and laid back onto the pillows.


Richard removed the trailing phone line from his face and stretched
his arm
over her, pulled her closer to him, relishing her warmth as he began
to drift back to sleep.


Barbara Moran, sighed and, in the darkness, smiled.


#


Spikes of warming sunlight danced across Richard's face causing him
to
squint. He shifted his head on the pillow so that he could safely
open
his eyes. He glanced at the clock, it was eight thirty.
"Barbara?"
His mind raced back to the phone call. Had he dreamt it? He swung his
legs over the edge of the bed and stepped into his slippers.
"Barbara!"
Throwing his dressing gown on he made for the bedroom door then
stepped onto the galleried landing, listening. After taking a swift
walk around the three sides of the landing he descended the central
staircase.


"Barbara?" he shouted, making no attempt to hide the unease in his
voice.


The caller had said she was with them, that he'd never see her again.
But
she'd been by his side in bed at the time, on each of the last three
nights she'd been with him, asleep. He'd only mentioned it to her
after the second call and last night she'd woken up with him, spoken
to him, even dialled the retrieval code.


And now she wasn't here.


He made his way to the kitchen where Benji greeted him in his usual
way, jumping up into his groin, tail wagging furiously, his excited
snuffle turned to full blown snort, then sneeze.


"Hiya Benji, you seen your mum?"


Benji trotted over to his bowls and sat, expectantly, his tail
picking
up speed
then slowing as Richard walked past him and over to the counter. He
felt the kettle. It was cold. The phone rang.
"Hello"
"White or brown?"
"Barbara! Where are you? What?" relief spread through him.
"I'm at the shop. White or brown bread for your toast?
"Erm, white, but we've got bread in."
"No, Benji must've got into the cupboard during the night."


Richard glanced at the other side of the kitchen, noticed the pile of
mashed
up waxed paper and breadcrumbs. He shot the dog a frown. Benji's tail
stopped as guilt forced him back to his basket.
"Put the kettle on, I'll be back in ten minutes."
"Okay. Bye." he said to a disconnected line.
"Benji? Look what you did. You don't even like bread. Bad boy!" he
was
unwilling to be angry with him for long as his relief that Barbara
was
safe far outweighed his anger.


***
FCS
2008-02-24 16:59:34 UTC
Permalink
Post by LiterArty
Thoughts / comments welcomed on the following. Begun last summer but,
as yet, unfinished.
Copyright protected 2007 Gary McArthur writing as Mark Arthur.
First impressions: as yet unstarted.

So I got to where you broke off and am thinking: "...and?"

There's enough there to anchor various details on later if
you so choose, yes, but otherwise a neat demonstration of
how to give next to nothing away in two paperback-sized
pages so far as I can tell.

For a coffee-table magazine filler it is taking too long to get
going, speaking as one who has never edited stories for that
format. With inclusion in an anthology in mind, of maybe
10-20 pages in length, it seem a waste of goodwill to post
it at all when a few more paragraphs would give some idea
of where it's going without hinting too much at where it may
end up. The basic premise isn't bad, and is no way one I'd
have considered starting from myself.

So yeah: they're either pensioners, lottery winners or it's
Saturday morning, there's a fashionably observant hint of
Asperger's in hubby, and a sense of Prozac-cushioned
numbness in wifey maybe, if there really is someone somewhere
being held captive, but, otherwise...

"...and?"

Not compelling evidence you would judiciously excerpt the
work you're seeking to promote on behalf of others effectively.

G DAEB
COPYRIGHT (C) 2008 SIPSTON
--
FCS
2008-02-24 20:19:17 UTC
Permalink
Post by LiterArty
Thoughts / comments welcomed on the following. Begun last summer but,
as yet, unfinished.
Copyright protected 2007 Gary McArthur writing as Mark Arthur.
Actually might work in a local Middle England paper,
coming back to it, it's just a shame that the damn
dog gives it away. I'm never happy with metatextual
dishonesty being used too casually either, as it is
quite arguably a finished work from that perspective.

Then again maybe I'm being unfair to the millions of
non "family dog" owning readers and also those who
like a simple tale of a stuffy hubby being humiliated
into appreciation by a bored and unappreciated wife.
In which case it might seem you have that rare talent
in men! Being able to write convincingly for women!

And non-threatening-dog-owning ones at that!

Genuinely interesting premise though, and a nice
peek back to the time when phoneline was a literal
descriptor rather than a metaphoric, and in places,
troglodysic referent.

G DAEB
COPYRIGHT (C) 2008 SIPSTON
--

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